what i think about you right now

One day my eyes opened.
and I saw you
and
My life has been better
ever since.

Ed

Here are some photos of my kitten Edmund. He is a real find.

All my friends are in Bar Bands

Oh my blog, how I have neglected you so.. Things have been rather intense for me lately. With my emotions sometimes taking over too often, and having to triumph over situations I never though I could overcome.

In the last 3 weeks I have endured some of the most overwhelming experiences I have ever personally gone through. My life has been full of stress, Literature analysis papers, Ernest Hemingway, laying on the bathroom floor in tears, seeing old friends, making new ones, learning how to be a cat person.

I have created three really bad works of art on canvas, one great-great poem and four mediocre short stories. I have sent some postcards and received as well I never knew the feeling of opening your mailbox and seeing a postcard addressed especially for you, from your greatest love who is currently far away. It's actually up there with opening a fresh can of paint, or biting into a freshly baked peanut butter cookie, or the smell of the a new book as you crinkle back the first page, or my cat purring on my chest.

These past few weeks, i have proven to myself that I am able to achieve happiness through suffering. Maybe those Buddhist know what they are talking about..

I have been prett down, just so much stress, but I'm gonna look up.

Artists I've been inspired by lately:
The Wonder Years
Rachael Yamagata
The National

stranger than fiction

My Fiction Workshop class makes me feel like all the work i have done to get to my Bachelor's was well worth it. I am finally in the right place.

thank god for the L word..

Nest

Over the past week I have experienced the return of Jonathan, the departing of him to the Bahamas, the return of him (once again), lovemaking, fighting, kicking, crying, utter bliss, beach days, a painful eye doctor visit,and the final goodbye kiss.

After about two days of non-stop crying in hysterics and staring into the popcorn ceiling next to a flickering lavender scented candle, I feel as though I've exited that wild passionate person I used to be. I feel so ready and confident for whatever I need to be ready and confident for.

While I sit here, on my bed in my new condo with my bookshelves, and wandering corners, I can just feel that things are changing. I am changing. And, for once in my life, I am adjusting to change, and I am taking to it with positive thoughts and belief in myself.

And you know what, it feels fantastic.

la casa mia

Beth and I have officially moved into our new condo and what an experience it is so far. I'm not quite sure if its happy or sad. I guess melancholy for lack of a better emotion. On one hand I miss the safety and sanctuary of home...Not having to worry about payments, rent and utilities. I miss my family and knowing they were always somewhere in the house. Then on the other hand ots nice having my own home. A place that I can say is mine. So the feelings are mixed. I guess thats normal when you move in for the first time.

Here is a peek:




our lovely dining/living room. complete with febreeze and futon.




Jon and Beth rather exhausted from the stormy day of moving mattresses.



wine and dine!



So with the new move and Jonathan being home for break, I must say a lot of interesting things are happening in my life. Jon has been away on vacation in the Bahamas (JEALOUS) so I've been keeping busy and trying to work on some new material. I have written a few short scenes here and there for a couple ideas for stories. I must say, not my best work, but everyone hits those writers blocks sometimes.

With school beginning next week--mainly taking fiction writing and literature classes, I am sure something will spark. It's like the health inspector at work, it comes when least expected.


I've been really into this band called The Weepies lately. You can hear some of their music here:

Also i'm extremely obsessed with Oren Lavie, and his beautiful stop action video to "Her Morning Elegance". I may be rather late on finding this video, but I can't stop watching it.




Have a lovely day :)
A

i don't know you, but i love you..

The Virgin Suicides...
reading it now, and I am hypnotized by it.
The bitter sweet melancholy swimming through my thoughts...

The Postmarks "Let Go"

On and off and
on and off
the light switched places
with the shadow
and we lost power?



peonies are my new favorite flower



but i also love dandelions, they are so fragile..

the like poem

I like you
Sometimes in black and white
usually at night.
I like the pictures you make me,
they show up at perfect times.
They make me want to press my lips
to your sternum.
You make me want to come up from below.
also i want to bake you cookies.
I don't really like that girl you
used to date...
I like her hair,
but her generic style makes me cringe.
I especially like how when you think of her
you legitimately want to vomit.
I really like the way you hold me
just so I can breathe you in.
I also enjoy eating bagels
with shmear.
--with you.
I like how you
accept my veri baad speling errorz.
I like your beard,
I like your lips,
I like your fingertips.
I dig your style,
it's so come se dice....."Fleet Foxes?"
i want to take a million photographs
of you and send them to myself in the mail
so i can open them and smile every time.
Seattle.

I like you
like i you
you i like
uoy ekil i
oh hey.
i like you.


Je T'aime, Paris...
e tu.

open owl face

I am attempting to get myself together, as far as school goes. i just sent off my transfer application to FAU. I went there two years ago so I'm hoping they will embrace me with open owl arms. If I am accepted I will have only about a year or two in order to receive my Bachelors in English Literature. That sounds so good, and feels good to say. So I am currently praying I am accepted. I plan to move out as soon as possible.

I've been having obscure dreams about what could be if all goes well for once in my life. I also realized I need to trim my hair. My locks are getting long. I always sort of dread cutting my hair. It's so sacred to me. I know they are dead cells, but I cherish them as part of me. So whenever I have enough dough I will have to go through that Hell. Oh, and mother and I are fighting again. What else is new in a young girls life? 21 comes with it's negatives..
Things are a little tough for me right now. Mainly out of uncertainty. I hate not having a straight answer. Please let the relief come soon.
On top of it all...
I miss Jonathan. More than I ever thought I would. Things are quiet now that he is so far away. Though we speak constantly on the phone or through skype, its not the same. I miss the warmth! Counting the days to see his beautiful face once again.
<3

the super stone

I dream in silk. I don't like to dream in cinder blocks like my closed-minded com padres. Although--silk can stain...but blocks can break. Still, I'm just happy I dream. That's pleasure enough for me.
Have you ever realized you spent a portion of your life in auto pilot? My feet took me somewhere new. I follow where my legs take me most of the time. In other words, I mainly just take what like throws at me. Even if it's something massive and destructible. Anyway, i like that I followed my toes. These babies can now bask in the glory of a hard and lonely search for human connection.

I came across a stone on the beach the other day. Not a shell but a stone. I instinctively picked it up and washed off the grainy sand in the water. But then I thought to myself, I just got so much joy out of finding this stone, I cant take it and risk some other person, with my odd taste in smoothly shaped Florida stones, not discovering it. So I placed in back in the sand where it belongs. I hope you find it.

Also, it sometimes feels like winter even though I know it's not..

where

im a little lost.



and i really want to see joshua james.
he's coming to georgia, april 23 i think.
i wish someone other than me know of him.
he is so grand.

falling slowly

I am, believe it or not, sometimes at a loss for words.
Oh, Glen, serenade me.



i thought this tiny desk concert described my current mood.
now i believe I shall make some tomato soup and take a nap.
I never do that.
Cool,
cool.

killing "in the name of?"

I have never been a religious person. Though I have my personal set of morals and what I was taught to be right or wrong which could place me and my family in the label of " a Christian". Or at least what a Christian is MEANT to be.
If Christians aspire to live their lives as Christ did, why do we hear so much about people planning to kill others in the name of God? What does that say about God?
I hear so many Christians say, "Beware of God's wrath" and "God hates this, God hates that..."
If you ask me, religion is supposed to be about eternal and unbelievable love and acceptance of fellow people and extreme compassion for all people equally. If God is so Holy and Great, why do people say to fear him? I believe a being so powerful and knowing and loving has not one ounce of evil in it. God loves ALL people. Black, white, brown, green.. Whether you are Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Sikh, Hindu, Jainism, Buddhist or even Agnostic. If God is real, GOD LOVE YOU. Don't believe the ridiculous excuse that so many Christians subconsciously believe, "if you are not like me, you aren't worthy". The point, my dear friends is that if you believe in God, then you better sure as Hell accept and love every single one of your brothers and sisters just as God does.
Christianity is to me the most judgmental and disgustingly hypocritical excuse for a religion I have ever heard of. There is so much hate in the followers of Christianity, and so much corruption. Take the Priest who molested all of those deaf boys (among thousands of other disgusting pedophiles who should be castrated for their actions) or the Militia who "in the name of Jesus Christ" planned to kill innocent people. They are no better than the Muslim extremist terrorist who we, as a nation, fear and attempt to protect one another from. I am so fed up with this idea that one religion is better than another.
Possibly the most peaceful man who ever lived, Jesus Christ, did not want all of this corruption and evil to live up to his name. At least I believe he didn't.

I believe it was Ghandi who stated, "I like Christ, but I do not like you Christians, you are so unlike Him."

Right on, Ghandi.

If only these ignorant fools could accept that we are all ONE. That love overpowers evil, and just because someone is different doesn't give you the right to judge and hurt them in anyway.
A word of advice toward those extremist hypocritical "Christians".
Do not offend Christ in such a way by dishonoring him with your acts of unbelievable terror. That is not a Christian in my book.
I am not a religious person, but I like Christ,and I believe people like me, who aren't labeled as Christian are more like him that those who state they are closest to the lord.
Do the world a favor and accept another individual as they are, and attempt to try something good, which Christianity was created to originally do.
Spread the ideals of peace, harmony and love.
Something the world desperately needs.
Bless.

Currently reading:

Again...haha.

The Adi Granth on women

I have found a lot of positives in the religion of Sikhism. It is the only religion I know of in which women are of equal status as men. This is what is written in their version of The Bible, or the Koran:

We are born of woman,
we are conceived in the womb of woman,
we are engaged and married to woman.
We make friendship with woman
and the lineage continued because of woman.
When one woman dies,
we take another one,
we are bound with the world through woman.
We grow up stronger and wiser having drunk milk from the breast of woman.
Why should we talk ill of her,
who gives birth to Kings?
The woman is born from woman;
there is none without her.
Only the One True Lord is without woman.
(Guru Nanak, Asa Di Var, pg 473)

gum

There is a disgusting man sitting next to me who is smacking his gum like a cow. Why are some people so nasty? Why do they do sick annoying and impolite things like talk on their cell phones so loud the entire store can hear every bit of their lame conversation, or throw hot tea at baristas, or get mad at you when you don't speak Spanish. Why do men think they can scratch their dicks in public and assume it is okay and no one notices? In the words of Regina Spektor:
"Got to get me out of here, this place is full of dirty old men."

Other than that, I am pretty much on the verge of insanity. Nothing new. Currently working on some poetry and listening to the incredible Andrew Bird and trying to stay as calm as possible. Lately the littlest things bug me. Life is being mean to me.
Oh, I also discovered that you should not ever tell someone you like them until they tell you first. Just a let down unless you know for sure the person is hooked. It is basically like a death wish for me to admit my emotions to myself let alone another person.
So I shall continue to live in my little bubble of a fantasy world. I like it better than my reality at the moment.
Maybe some people are not meant to be loved. I guess we have to manage population control some way or another. haaaa.
Well then, I shall attempt to work.
and, im off!

sound of silence

mustaches

Jack White uggggghhh.


So I'm almost done with my first complete sensible short story. I'm so fucking glad. In the process of finishing it I have successfully shot out two neat poems about skeletons. I've been listening to The White Stripes, Arcade Fire and Foxy Shazam nonstop.
Today I went with Beth to Urban Outfitters and got some blue shoes in which I feel like a button. (well, cute as one).
I'm sitting in Starbucks and attempting to finish. Deadline is March 19th. yipes.
I seem to be doing everything but concentrating on what I should be concentrating on.
I had a great hummus wrap today, though. So, there.

no one wants my atoms

I hate staring at my laptop like a zombie. A zombie you be more mindful at this moment. Stuck, like Cinderella's damn slipper in a sloppy mess of pitch on the steps of the palace. So in my frustration I randomly shall post images of space and stills from the film Bright Star directed by Jane Campion.

schizophrenic coffee joint

I'm writing my first real short story. One that I actually intend to finish. I've come up with two characters who are distinct in my mind, but fuzzy on the page. I am having the worst trouble trying to come up with a way to set up a back story for my female character. I don't want to go so into detail because I want to keep it under a certain amount of words. I have been writing this for about 3 days straight and so far I've got the plot all planned out. But I am so critical on my writing, I fear I may get annoyed or bored and shove it to the back of my freakish mind. I am attached now to this story, so I think I will really try to make it work. Maybe I like the challenge.
Writers are crazy. That is my theory. We have to be slightly insane.
If I ever feel lonely or upset with reality I go hang out with my characters that have strangely become more real than I ever expected.
Help me Hemmingway....
Well then, back to work. MUST FINISH.
Ahhh....the sweet sound of fingers tap-tap-tapping across my keyboard..
Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated, as always.

bumble

i am he is you are she

the world is infinite
the world is cold
my world is a treasure
my world is a prism
things aren't what they seem
things turned out exactly as planned
don't tell me no
don't tell me yes
follow the rules
get off of my back
stick to me like glue
don't look at me
hold me in you arms
stab me in the chest
sprinkle me with words
care for me with food
choke on a bone
call me on the phone.